Subconscious Anxiety and Its Physical Manifestation*

Last week I emailed my landlord in Paris to tell her what time I was going to arrive and get her phone number so I could call her when I was almost to the apartment (she has to leave work and use her lunch break to let me into the apartment and get me my key, etc.).

After 5 days, I hadn't heard anything. I was slightly worried, but not to the point of it creating any nervous ticks or anything**. I had the numbers of two families in the area who said they would be willing to help me out with anything I needed upon my arrival in Paris. I figured if I was stranded without a place to live for a couple of days, that might be covered in the blanket offer to help.

However...

Today before church as I was getting ready I noticed that my forehead was totally scrunched into a perma-worrywart wrinkle-fest. Wow. I hadn't even noticed my forehead was in a knot until I looked into the mirror.
During church I was just calmly minding my own business, listening to the speaker, or singing a hymn, when I realized my shoulders and next were so stiff I might as well be a marble statue of a Greek god (minus the awesome musculature... and stuff). My shoulders were hunched up to tight around my neck I probably looked like a turtle. :) I had to consciously take some deep breaths and focus on relaxing my body.

Less than an hour later I found myself clenching my jaw like there was no tomorrow, only noticing when I was actually in pain. I finally realized that I was FREAKING OUT on the inside but completely suppressing it so no one could tell. I must have been sunconsciously wondering what I was going to do with four suitcases and freezing temperatures if I couldn't get into my apartment and my "helper" families weren't answering their phones.

Of course, some of you might have already picked up on the fact that I'm freaking out a bit. My doomsday attitude ("Ummm... I think I have cancer," or "Okay, I don't have cancer, but I think my plane is going to crash.") might have tipped you off. I think part of me is terrified that after all this preparation and effort in making this dream a reality, something is going to go horribly wrong.

As it turns out, my landlord (who I heard from today) didn't respond earlier because she was out of town for 8 days helping with a family emergency.

So, all is well. But I still have a migraine (which I thought was from lack of sleep, but I'm sure my shoulder-hunching, jaw-clenching, worry-wrinkle-forehead subconscious wasn't helping). Good thing I haven't packed my economy-sized bottle of Excedrin*** yet.

*Doesn't this sound like a term paper for some kind of psychology major? I would totally volunteer myself for a study.
**Or so I thought.
***Excedrin is truly a wonder drug.

Pretty Pedi

Heather gave me a pedicure gift certificate for Christmas, and I used it today.

This sassy color is now gracing my perfectly groomed toenails.

It's called "A Oui Bit of Red." How perfect is that?

There are a few things I really love about pedicures:

1) No awkward bending trying to reach my toes (I'm not the most flexible person on the planet).

2) I don't have to touch my feet. Not that they're gross or infected with anything, but... you know. They're FEET.

3) The pedicures at Bonny Nails in Orem come with a parrafin wax dip and a nice foot and calf massage. Don't know if that's normal for pedicures or if these guys just go above and beyond, but I'm a fan.

If you have never had a pedicure, I highly recommend treating yourself to one.

Say "Aaaaaahhhhh Yeah!"

No cancer.

No surgery.

HOORAY!!

My only remaining anxiety is that something horrible is going to happen to my plane. What about today's craziness with the plane crashing into the Husdon? Thank heaven for a great pilot, a great crew, and a "safe" place to land. Wow.

"Say Aaaaaahhhhhhh"

Today I am going to an otolaryngolosist. That's an Ear, Nose, and Throat doc for those of us who can't be bothered with science but are grateful for those who can be bothered.

A few weeks ago I was visiting my allergist to get some prescriptions to tide me over in the City of Light, and he noticed a growth on my tonsil "unlike anything I've ever seen before." Awesome, doc. Can't wait to find out what that means.

He encouraged me to see an ENT right away. Lucky for me, I managed to get an appointment for today after calling about 8 different offices.

So. I might have a random skin tag on my tonsils (keep your fingers crossed that this is the case). I might (worst-case scenario) have some horrible tumor in my tonsils. I'll be extremely furious if I have cancer and I don't get to go to France (but it's a good thing I've got my priorities straight, right?). Ha. Or I might have to have my tonsils out last minute and be hopped up on pain killers for my entire trip across the Atlantic.

This, of course, all assumes that they do a biopsy of some kind and can even get the results before I leave.

What joy is mine. (Name the movie.)

Misleading Purchases

Yesterday I stopped by Harmon's to buy

these

these

and these.

The cashier: "Looks like you're headed off to make out with someone."

Well, then.

Me: "Ha. I wish. I'm moving to France, and I don't know if they sell SpinBrushes there, so I thought I'd take a couple of spares."

Maybe if I'm lucky I'll end up buying gum with a purpose while I'm in France. But I'm not holding my (minty fresh) breath.

Filter

This is what I wrote based on the prompt I put up on "This Time It's Personal" this week. The prompt this week is "Favorite Places," so I wrote about one of my favorite places to be: in front of a classroom full of people.

My mind racing. Scanning the room. Looking for a friendly pair of eyes, a nod of understanding, a glimmer of interest. My heart pounding. I want to scream, "Like I'm an expert!! Give me a break!," but I can't. Because that would be unprofessional and completely counterproductive. It's always a challenge to present information in a classroom when you know it's not going to be well received. Maintaining a positive attitude, presenting the information with clarity while my mind is clamoring in the background, trying to think of witty responses to all of the snarky comments I know are coming. This is what's going on in my mind. Meanwhile, my mouth is putting a positive spin on all the things I know they're going to hate about today's training.

This is my job.

10,000 Pyramid. Or however many thousands. Listening to colleagues trying to explain words like behentrimonium methosulfate to each other--a word which I can only pronounce because my coworker kept repeating it over and over while she did a little cheery song-and-dance number. Giving them credit because they finally came up with "you know, the behe...something something sulfate one that's in the shampoo." Close enough, right? I should definitely be the host of a real T.V. game show.

This is also my job.

Laughing my head off as different groups of my trainees come up with clever jingles, posters, and skits to showcase our latest and greatest product (whatever it may be). Wishing that I could spend time chatting with many of them in a setting where we didn't all have to be so PC. Some of them are freaking hilarious. I hang their posters, give them accolades for their skits, and think about passing their jingles and one-liners to the marketing department.

This is my job.

Staying until 9. Coming in at 5. Taking a three hour lunch because I had an early class and a late class. Reading dozens of emails a day. Never feeling like I "finished" anything, because by the time I had finished writing a training, some of the content was obsolete and it needed revamping. Feeling like I was on a constant information overload. Feeling like I had to know everything about everything. Loving every second of it.

This is my job.

Well, it was my job. For four years. Now it's not, and I don't think I could ever go back, because I would feel like I was doing it just because it's familiar. And that would be like taking a step backward instead of forcing myself to branch out, grow, and take risks. But it's a job that I will always look back on with pride, gratitude, and satisfaction because I did love it, and I did it well.

This year...

I'm going to live by this wonderful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

Thinking About

-bombing the language assessment test for class registration on purpose so I get put into an easier French class (homework is the last thing I want to think about while I'm in Paris--class was only an excuse to get into the country).
-taking a painting class or two while I'm there.
-all the museums I want to visit.
-panini, drinking chocolate and awesome bread with yummy cheese

Music Appreciation Moment

You may have forgotten about a previous post where I begged for music suggestions, but I haven't. I have definitely been testing the waters. I've still got a way to go because I also wrote about this on Facebook and got a ton of reponses there. But I promise I'll slowly and surely make my way through all of the suggestions given.

Here are some artists that I have a newly-developed appreciation for:

-The Postal Service
-Sondra Lerche
-A Fine Frenzy

Also, as a little FYI... Pandora is where I'm listening to all of the suggested artists. I love Pandora because it offers additional artists based on who you request to hear. It also tells you why it selected those specific additional artists so you can see the patterns in your musical preferences (if any).

The artists and songs I like, according to Pandora, typically feature:

-vocal harmony
-major-key tonality
-vocal-centric aesthetic

To me, that basically means I like pretty songs that I can sing along with. But I'm no music major.

San Fran

Mom and I left at 6 am New Year's Day to fly to San Francisco so I could get my student visa.

I didn't get home from my New Year's Eve celebrating until 4:30, so I didn't bother going to sleep. That turned out to be a good thing, because this is the plane we flew on.

So small, so shaky. Because of my late night antics, I miraculously slept for most of the flight (I can never sleep on planes).

We got into SF pretty early, but it took us a little while to get downtown to our hotel, which was just cute and old and charming. so we got there just before the normal check-in time, and they gave us a room so we could drop off our things instead of hauling them around the city.

We spent the day eating at a geat local restaurant, riding cable cars, buying new earrings from awesome Chinese street vendors (okay, that was just me), and wandering around Ghirardelli square and the Fisherman's Wharf. It was FREEZING but fun.

I got my visa!! Part of me was convinced they would turn me away. But it was seriously painless. So, it's official! I am going, I'll be legal, and I'll be able to go in and out of France as I please. So my little weekend trips will be possible. HOORAY!!