Friday, January 30, 2009

You Prefer to Be Alone? Or, The Allegory of the Kiwi Fruit

As I walked into the grocery store today, there was a nice man there offering samples of kiwi fruit. He offered me some, and I said no.

"But, you have to try to know that you don't want any."

Um.... no. I've actually tasted kiwi before--and I know that I don't want any right now.

I take a piece anyway to be nice, tell him it's good, and am trying to walk away when he asks me something else.

I don't understand what he says. Not only is my French imperfect, he has a very thick African accent. We are bound to miscommunicate.

"I am not French," I say, as if to explain that I am generally inept and all of my faults should be excused.

"What nationality are you?"


"Oh, How are you?" he asks in English.

"Fine thank you. How are you?"

Then we have this half-english, half french (with me saying, "Pardon?" about every 5 seconds) conversation:

Him: Your husband is in America?

Me: (groaning on the inside, knowing where this is going). I don't have a husband.

Him: Your fiance?

Me: No fiance.*

Him: Your boyfriend?

Me: I don't have a boyfriend.

Him: You like boys?

Me: Um... yes, I like boys. (What the??!!)

Him: So, why don't you have a boyfriend? (As if me having an interest in boys in general means I should, by default, have a boyfriend at all times. Oh, of cooooourse I should.)

Me: (This question again, seriously? I DON'T KNOW!!!) Oh, you know... I don't know exactly.

Him: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Uhh...

Him: Do you want to go out tonight?

Me: Um. Thank you, but no.

Him: Why no?

Me: (I'm really not used to so much persistence. Utah boys don't bounce back from rejection this easily). Um. Just... no. But thank you.

Him: So you prefer to be alone?


Seriously. A) How does the fact that I don't have a boyfriend make me a lesbian? and B) How does the fact that I don't want to go out with YOU, especially where you are a stranger I met in the grocery store, mean I would rather sit at home and knit doilies than do anything?

I refuse to accept that my lot in life is to either end up alone OR to keep having these exasperating experiences.

And for the record, I would, in fact, rather be alone than settle and be with someone I couldn't respect, didn't love, and don't find interesting to talk to.

So take your kiwi fruit and... just... give someone else a sample.

*But watch me buy myself an awesome CZ in record time.


Jess said...

Amen sister.

Scrappy said...

Oh my gosh! Seriously!?!

Deborah said...

Now that is scary!

Sarah said...

Ha! I know, it really is scary. But I think I'm getting better at avoiding these kind of situations. Nothing has happened in the last several days. The ring must be helping!